I just can't believe that i actually dreaming about the break up. But this time everything seem so 'steady' and i know that i'm ready to move on. Probably due to the pervious sharing night, that's why it pop out? ! When Aaron ask me what is the reason we break up? Franky speaking i dont really remember what is the specific reason. The main reason is i feel tired when the same problem happen repeatly.
'We are from different up bringing, we do not have common topic..people said we are not compatible, do you think this relationship work? Or maybe we just remain as friend..' ' i thought we talk about these before we start?' 'Yes, but...', hey i'm sorry about my previous atitude towards these problem, please forgive me.'
The same problem happens again and again. I really salute myself that i able to go through from hurt, struggle to forgive and to pursuade myself to continue love him. It is not an easy task for me. A repeating hurts and 'recover' process really drive me from commit to play safe. It is like the feeling of taking a boat, the same storm never stop attacking and i just can't have a good rest in the boat. I don't find secure to commit. A highly self pride person like me will never share this anyone, more over him. That's my failure in this relationship. Hmm..First time in relationship, no experience.
The last time of this storm rise up again was when we broke out. Tired and surrender.
Sometime when i flash back about his last decision, i knew i should thank him. He had make the right decision which i don't think i able to do it. Everyone see him as the 'bad guy', this is the greatest sacrifice of love that he had ever done for me. Thanks.
I dont think i will able to speak out for him especially to those who knew him. A confession here is just good enough, right Lord?
Despite the unsteady part, he was a good man of God. Many might think that he is an ego person, but to my understanding of him, he did lack of self confident for some moments. There is another side of him when we came across to a serious talk. He was totally different of what normally people see him. Sometime i think the way he talk and act is just a way to cover his weakness.
Friend always thought that i was angry of him because he had make the desicion. Funny. No doubt it might be part of that, but the main reason is i angry him because of his selfishness. Even the broke out 'ceremony' and after the 'post' broke out relationship, i do not have the say about it. Right after the broke out we still chat every night. After share this un- healthy relationship with uncle chung chong, i found his advice quite true. We should stop this practice as it might create a false hope to anyone of us. I can't move on if i continue seeing him or chat with him. But again i never state this reason to him nor to anyone of his friends. He was totally disagree with my decision and thing become worst when i feel like he actually told everyone that i angry him because of his decision. Sometime i just feel like shout at him that i'm not Jinny. We are different. Leave me alone, give me some space and i will recover. Just that simple. Please give me a say about this.
I still remember at that moment the only person i can share with is ming zhong. The main reason is he is the only non- cf friend who i close with. I lost my trust to anyone from cf just simply because they might have this tendecy to share this very reason to him. Why were i so afraid to share this with him? Ya..i remember..Tan sze-lyn, you are a self pride person, you shall never let him know that you were hurt. So childish..haha
Funny as i refresh back all these. Why were i so care about this 'pride'? Tan Sze-Lyn,pride should'nt exist when it comes to love.
Lord, is this the reason You allow all these?
Did this experience change my life? Yes, it is .
From a trusting christian person to trusting God.
Only Jesus will never fail us.
Do not put our trust, hope and expectation to our life partner but to God.
Never jump into relationship if we expecting he/she to fill in the our emptyness, lonelyness, security and love.
Let Jesus be our provider and we will always have more than enough to give and to love.
Never try to change a character but pray. Only God can change the impossible to possible.
Wonder how will i feel when i read this post after 30 years? Haha..cannot imagine.
Will this is the last post about this relationship? I guess so. The very last post about my first experience in life.
Thank God for this experience. I believe this experience will benefit my next relationship.
Time to move on completely..
