It has been years I never involved in any mission trip since after my graduation. Partly because I don't think my presence really made any difference. And I don't feel right with my motive to mission trip. Was it because I want to see the world? How does those people live under such condition? How they see God and are they really believe God even under any circumstances? Simple live lead to simple believe? They seem so holy and faithful. What if something really bad happen, will they still trust God? It is always easy to speak about God faithfulness and goodness, but when thing really happen, we failed. I'm a good example.
I guess these are the very reason I try to keep a distance from all I know. I failed to be a good cell group leader. Really took years for me to confess this failure. What had I done is like touch n go. No follow up after my graduation even when some of them look for me. I just try to keep a distance due to some reason. At that point, I need a new live.
I know I should stop this self condemnation. I tried and I thought I have over come it. However it seem like after years I still not able to let go. There is always a voice to remind me. Will God still trust me that I can take good care of his people?
If you have forgive me, can I have a clear & loud answer from you? I want to experience Your presence. Not just based on word, but Your personal visitation. It has been years I have lost this connection with you. Whenever someone share about how they able to sense your presence during praise & worship and you speak to them, my heart was heavy. There is always a question rise up..Have you forgotten me?
I guess this is something I learned from this spontaneous mission trip with the US team. Something I really need to deal with it and not just hide underneath.
