The most cruel thing but the only thing I can do for you is handle your death certificate. The moment to pass down your mykard really tear down my heart into pieces. I dont blame you, it was not your fault. Indeed, Im proud of you for all these years. Fighting with God’s word. Yen remind me how you overcome it for the last 10 years. You very geng, the best fighter. We all were so ignorant, not knowing it was the spirits behind all these. Tortured & conned by them for so long.

Thank God you are in save arm. Can you hear me? We all miss you so much. No one can replace you, not even Benjamin. Because losing you & having him is two different thing. So if you hear me, lets pray that God accecerates the rapture time. You cant come to us, but we can come to you.

Lord, the only hope for this lost is rapture. May it take place by this year.

O death, where is your sting?
O grave, where is your victory?

Hey, hows life there? I miss you so much. This will be the last time to wait for me a bit longer..i believe very soon we will meet again. When we meet, i promise i will never leave you. Whatever you want to do, whenever you want to go, i will be by your side. Maybe you dont even need this jie jie, but I dont care. My turn to protect you, your enemy is my enemy. Together 3 of us will take the revenge. Whatever you have suffer, all shall be pay back 7 times. Hug!!!!!! Miss you so so much.

There is who You Are

To conceive a child is really a God miracle in my life. I din't really take it seriously until i met an ex-colleague who has the same condition with mine. Both us were advice by doctors to go for IVF if we wish to have kids in future. When I told my colleague about my condition, she were shocked about the natural pregnancy.

When I found out the pregnancy, I was kind of depress as I never plan to have it at this moment. I have so much yet to be done, my dream, career, and I don't think both us are ready to be parent. However in deed my heart, I knew that only God know whether I'm ready. Because one of my prayer is God will give me a child when I'm ready.

The first time I saw Benjamin via ultrasound was just a piece of black object, then his heartbeat. I could not feel anything about him besides bloating, heartburn, vomit etc. I can't imagine being a mother. This is really a whole new thing in life.

However slowly, as Benjamin developed into more like a baby figure, I was kind of rejoice to see him via ultrasound. It took months for me to adapt. Sometime I can feel his head and his movement. I'm kind of surprise that I can talk to him so natural and I kind of miss him. Look forward the day he is born and I can hug him tight. This is so not me as I will never love a person I never meet before. And i will never fall in love to someone is such a short time.

Both me and Daniel were looking a name for Benjamin. We wish to name him in Hebrew which speak about Our Heavenly Father. After some shortlisted, from "God's gift, The Lord protect to Jehovah is my God", we could not get a mutual agreement. One night as we were joking, Daniel wish to name him one of the great character in Bible, such as Matthew, Solomon, Jonathan. I just simply said if really need to pick from bible, then I would rather go for "Benjamin". Because we both follow Pastor Joseph Prince ministry, we are the Benjamin Generation, the blessed tribe. Benjamin: Son of the right hand. Right hand in God is a special position.

Daniel just said, why not?! I din't take this discussion seriously. Few days later as I was lunch with Nikki my sister about that night conversation, she too agree to name the boy "Benjamin" instead of other name. What she said quite make sense. Call your son " Son of right hand", like how God call Abraham "father of many nation", call your son what you like to see in his future, instead just remind him " God's protect", God's Gift... "Son of right hand" have all these, in one full package. As a business women, we both think that go for one full package is more worth. So we decided to name him Benjamin.

After few weeks, during lunch with Pastor Rachel, she just ask us have we name the son. We told her yes, Benjamin. She were shocked for second then she told us the name of Benjamin is in her mind. She plan to ask us consider this name, Benjamin, son of right hand.

Wow, at that moment, I feel so loved by God. Who am I that my God has a name for my son. This son surely is not an ordinary son. God has a big plan in his life. All of sudden, it reminds me that I really need to ask for more wisdom to educate this son. My God entrusted Benjamin in my life.

On 25th October, 2019 we receive a news from doctor, saying there is too much fluid in the boy brain. She urge us to seek for fetus specialist in KL When Daniel ask is there life threatening, she just reply very hard to say at this moment. The boy might need to go for brain surgery after he is born.

After talk to Pastor Rachel, she wants us not to live in fear, but boldly proclaim God promises in the Bible. To conceive is a miracles, and God work will not stop half way. Benjamin is wonderfully and perfectly make by God, not about my body, uterus. Uterus cannot form a live, there are just a vessel, life can only be created by God.

Benjamin, you going to be well. Our God is miracle worker, promise keeper. He will surely restore you a new brain. Because God cannot and unable to lie. He is the most reliable promise keeper.

Lord, thank you at this moment, you are in our midst. I cannot imagine if I don't know you, how am I going to go through this. Teach me and Daniel to guard our heart and believe Benjamin is in good hand.

Benjamin going to be a live walking testimony. Miracle healing take place even before he is born. No brain surgery take place. He is going to live like other healthy children, married a godly woman, with kids.

Ar dear..

I love you. Before I met you, I find these 3 words is hard to say it out. Too cheezy, it does not fit my cool image. Haha..Joking..

Seriously, once I thought maybe I should just stay single as I hardly open my heart though I tried to. But it's just so hard. I guess maybe I was afraid of rejection and fear of being hurt. Even until today, besides Jesus & my family, I still can't believe that someone will just accept me as who I am really is. 

Still remember the first day of dating, I told you that I'm a bit "kayu" when come into relationship. I'm not able to tell those sweet words if you expecting this from me. But sometime later, you were surprise that I do know how to express my love towards you, not as "kayu" as you thought. Seriously, I too surprise with myself. Slowly I found out it is because you will never take advantage of my love. Instead, you always take the first step to show me how much you love me and cherish me. I found secure to be who I am in front of you. 

I know you always act that you hate certain food just because you knew that I love to eat especially when there is not enough for both. If there are more than one, you will make sure I get the best part.

When we are at the roadside or crossing the road, you will make sure I stay at the safer zone. 

All these little little things mean so much to me. 

Dear, thank you for loving me even though I'm a bit stubborn and want everything to do it in my way. Do pray for me to be a more submissive & wiser woman.

Sometime you are a bit bossy and command me to do a lot of things for you just because you do not know how to do it. Though I hate your bossy way,  and I still can't stop myself from doing it for you. And one day, I found out you were just acting all these while! Feel like want to "cekik" you but in the same time, I find out I can't. Because I can't stop myself to love you even when I'm angry.

I love you no matter how you look like. Even your body area grow larger. In my eye, you always my prince charming.  However, I'm more concern about your health. So do start to take holy communion more often. Also please drive safely and no speeding please. Whenever you tempt to speed, please do remember I'm here waiting for you. Do not take God's protection for granted.  I can't imagine my life without you. 

Ar dear, I'm blessed to have you as my husband. 

Love you always

Nichole

Down yet inspired

Kind of sad after the match. Feeling down not because Malaysia couldn't get our first gold medal..but sad for Dato. He desired a gold more than any of Malaysian & He tried so hard to get a gold medal for us since 12 years ago..it is a long  & hard battle, but he never give up..his spirit inspired me. I salute you. Surely one day Malaysia will get tonnes of gold medals. How great if the first gold medal is from Dato...then the gold medal will meant so much to us. It took years to achieve it.

Both dlcw & lin dan were great players but too bad they are the oldest among all players. It is amazed they play so well at this age. This might be the last time to see both playing.. toss to their friendship & spirit!

God is faithful & willing to heal

When dad was out from HDU after having long discussion with doctor, he cried. First time I saw him sad until can't speak a word. Nikki just break down. Though I have prepare my heart, but when it become real,  I just cant stop my tear in front of all people. I will never forget dad's expression. The doctor so honest, he told us all the things we need prepare, so that we will nothave false hope. He can't guarantee the surgery, even after surgery she might need to lie on bed for the rest of her life. Needed to depend on permanent stomach bag, go through chemo & death. An elder's wife told us life willbe change from now on, be strong.

At the moment, the only thing i can say this not going to be real. Doctor has no say in mom condition. Nikki, my brother & I refuse to believe the report but focus on Jesus promises. Still Nikki &  I cried like baby when we reach home. To a moment, we can just give up everything, including my life in exchange of her health. All the guit feeling just came across my mind. Why i never take it seriously when she told us her pain for the few months.

I ask God will He give me a second chance to love her again, He said He is the God of second chance. If mom really need to depend on permanent stomach bag, I would rather God bring her home. If our love must paid with her suffering, then I will let go.

It was a sleepless night. Besides listen to pastor prince sermon, reading, pray and claim the healing promises, I cant do much. Thats the time I found peace & confident in God. When i open the fridge, wardrobe etc, i just quckly close it. Because i saw the things mom has prepare for me, i just cant imagine life without her. To stop this heart breaking thought is to just focus on what Jesus already paid on the cross. This method works great.

This was also my first time "muka tembok" ask all the people whom I know to pray for her. Somehow in the morning before we leave the house to hospital, God just grant us the confident that He is going to heal her. There is no permanant stomach bag. We will stick to our originally plan to Japan. This confident of hope encourage dad when Nikki told dad God speaks to her. God lets this thing happen is not scare us but because He want to heal her. Finally the hour of surgery has come.  Surrender & pray in tongue, we found rest in God's embrace.

All the positive result which doctor said chances of this thing to happen is very low just come true. It was a successfully surgery. Based on nurse experience, this kind of surgery may take at least 5-6 hours. But thank God that He shorten the time to about 3 hours.Unspeakable joy. Tears with joy. Just cant stop saying thank you Jesus and praising Him like now. Sacrifices my sleep to note this experience. And still cant express how wonderful is my God.

Lord, what can I do to tell all the people about Your goodness ?
Thanks for being mom's God, dad's God, chow yee's God, nikki's God, David's God, my God and God of people I love.

Your ways are higher

From sleepless nights to a night that I just want to uphold all these to God and wait upon Him. My focus should be on Jesus rather than I should I continue the journey with Daniel. Dad, Your ways are higher. Fix my eye to the things I can't see now.

Besides surrender to God, I don't know what can I do with the issues and fears I have towards our relationship. It is just out of our control. Only You Lord able to make the changes. Give me strength Lord, that I'm able to love and also fast to forgive. Lord, unless the salvation take place, else I just cant make further commitment in this relationship. Remind me that You are with me whenever I encounter that situation again. Help me to overcome those fears. Perfect love cast out all fears. Lord, I want to experience more about You.