So miss you, so much to ask, so much to tell you..so scare to think about you..time never healed, the longer we wait, the more we miss you. So sorry that night, I shouldnt take it easily, i shouldnt drag half an hour which determine your life. I should come as soon as i receive papa call. So regret i dint answer your call 2 nights before..we all fall into the devils trap, so much missunderstanding...i miss you, i love you..
Lord, the moment you allow this happened, you know you also know we will lost all our passion & dreams in this life, besides the heavy responsibilities. I really hate this world, please please quickly bring us home. Lord, home is where all our family gather. Please come quickly.
I will not be fool by our enemies, this is not my battle, the battle belong to our Lord.
放心，我们不会被它们骗的。加油，look forward our reunion.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Lord, how long more we can leave this world? How long more our heart will stop bleeding? All the pains, guilts, condemnations I surrender to you. Please give him a tight hug on behalf of us each & everyday. Please tell him soon we will meet again. Chow yee, 还记得吗?今年一月我们三个说过的，我们一起等那一天。Let not him wait too long. May his spirit & soul rejoice & forget all the past. Please grant us strength to continue the journey. Jesus come to give us life & life more abundantly. But the moment he leaves, life will never abundant to us. Please fix these. Whatever destructions has been cause by the evil one, Lord restore it. Including chow yee life & health. For You are the faithful God.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
The most cruel thing but the only thing I can do for you is handle your death certificate. The moment to pass down your mykard really tear down my heart into pieces. I dont blame you, it was not your fault. Indeed, Im proud of you for all these years. Fighting with God’s word. Yen remind me how you overcome it for the last 10 years. You very geng, the best fighter. We all were so ignorant, not knowing it was the spirits behind all these. Tortured & conned by them for so long.
Thank God you are in save arm. Can you hear me? We all miss you so much. No one can replace you, not even Benjamin. Because losing you & having him is two different thing. So if you hear me, lets pray that God accecerates the rapture time. You cant come to us, but we can come to you.
Lord, the only hope for this lost is rapture. May it take place by this year.
O death, where is your sting?
O grave, where is your victory?
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Hey, hows life there? I miss you so much. This will be the last time to wait for me a bit longer..i believe very soon we will meet again. When we meet, i promise i will never leave you. Whatever you want to do, whenever you want to go, i will be by your side. Maybe you dont even need this jie jie, but I dont care. My turn to protect you, your enemy is my enemy. Together 3 of us will take the revenge. Whatever you have suffer, all shall be pay back 7 times. Hug!!!!!! Miss you so so much.
To conceive a child is really a God miracle in my life. I din't really take it seriously until i met an ex-colleague who has the same condition with mine. Both us were advice by doctors to go for IVF if we wish to have kids in future. When I told my colleague about my condition, she were shocked about the natural pregnancy.
When I found out the pregnancy, I was kind of depress as I never plan to have it at this moment. I have so much yet to be done, my dream, career, and I don't think both us are ready to be parent. However in deed my heart, I knew that only God know whether I'm ready. Because one of my prayer is God will give me a child when I'm ready.
The first time I saw Benjamin via ultrasound was just a piece of black object, then his heartbeat. I could not feel anything about him besides bloating, heartburn, vomit etc. I can't imagine being a mother. This is really a whole new thing in life.
However slowly, as Benjamin developed into more like a baby figure, I was kind of rejoice to see him via ultrasound. It took months for me to adapt. Sometime I can feel his head and his movement. I'm kind of surprise that I can talk to him so natural and I kind of miss him. Look forward the day he is born and I can hug him tight. This is so not me as I will never love a person I never meet before. And i will never fall in love to someone is such a short time.
Both me and Daniel were looking a name for Benjamin. We wish to name him in Hebrew which speak about Our Heavenly Father. After some shortlisted, from "God's gift, The Lord protect to Jehovah is my God", we could not get a mutual agreement. One night as we were joking, Daniel wish to name him one of the great character in Bible, such as Matthew, Solomon, Jonathan. I just simply said if really need to pick from bible, then I would rather go for "Benjamin". Because we both follow Pastor Joseph Prince ministry, we are the Benjamin Generation, the blessed tribe. Benjamin: Son of the right hand. Right hand in God is a special position.
Daniel just said, why not?! I din't take this discussion seriously. Few days later as I was lunch with Nikki my sister about that night conversation, she too agree to name the boy "Benjamin" instead of other name. What she said quite make sense. Call your son " Son of right hand", like how God call Abraham "father of many nation", call your son what you like to see in his future, instead just remind him " God's protect", God's Gift... "Son of right hand" have all these, in one full package. As a business women, we both think that go for one full package is more worth. So we decided to name him Benjamin.
After few weeks, during lunch with Pastor Rachel, she just ask us have we name the son. We told her yes, Benjamin. She were shocked for second then she told us the name of Benjamin is in her mind. She plan to ask us consider this name, Benjamin, son of right hand.
Wow, at that moment, I feel so loved by God. Who am I that my God has a name for my son. This son surely is not an ordinary son. God has a big plan in his life. All of sudden, it reminds me that I really need to ask for more wisdom to educate this son. My God entrusted Benjamin in my life.
On 25th October, 2019 we receive a news from doctor, saying there is too much fluid in the boy brain. She urge us to seek for fetus specialist in KL When Daniel ask is there life threatening, she just reply very hard to say at this moment. The boy might need to go for brain surgery after he is born.
After talk to Pastor Rachel, she wants us not to live in fear, but boldly proclaim God promises in the Bible. To conceive is a miracles, and God work will not stop half way. Benjamin is wonderfully and perfectly make by God, not about my body, uterus. Uterus cannot form a live, there are just a vessel, life can only be created by God.
Benjamin, you going to be well. Our God is miracle worker, promise keeper. He will surely restore you a new brain. Because God cannot and unable to lie. He is the most reliable promise keeper.
Lord, thank you at this moment, you are in our midst. I cannot imagine if I don't know you, how am I going to go through this. Teach me and Daniel to guard our heart and believe Benjamin is in good hand.
Benjamin going to be a live walking testimony. Miracle healing take place even before he is born. No brain surgery take place. He is going to live like other healthy children, married a godly woman, with kids.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Ar dear..
I love you. Before I met you, I find these 3 words is hard to say
it out. Too cheezy, it does not fit my cool image. Haha..Joking..
Seriously, once I thought maybe I should just stay single as I
hardly open my heart though I tried to. But it's just so hard. I guess maybe I
was afraid of rejection and fear of being hurt. Even until today, besides Jesus
& my family, I still can't believe that someone will just accept me as who
I am really is.
Still remember the first day of dating, I told you that I'm a bit
"kayu" when come into relationship. I'm not able to tell those sweet
words if you expecting this from me. But sometime later, you were surprise that
I do know how to express my love towards you, not as "kayu" as you
thought. Seriously, I too surprise with myself. Slowly I found out it is
because you will never take advantage of my love. Instead, you always take the
first step to show me how much you love me and cherish me. I found secure to
be who I am in front of you.
I know you always act that you hate certain food just because you
knew that I love to eat especially when there is not enough for both. If there
are more than one, you will make sure I get the best part.
When we are at the roadside or crossing the road, you will make
sure I stay at the safer zone.
All these little little things mean so much to me.
Dear, thank you for loving me even though I'm a bit stubborn and
want everything to do it in my way. Do pray for me to be a more submissive
& wiser woman.
Sometime you are a bit bossy and command me to do a lot of things
for you just because you do not know how to do it. Though I hate your bossy
way, and I still can't stop myself from doing it for you. And one day, I
found out you were just acting all these while! Feel like want to
"cekik" you but in the same time, I find out I can't. Because I can't
stop myself to love you even when I'm angry.
I love you no matter how you look like. Even your body area grow
larger. In my eye, you always my prince charming. However, I'm more
concern about your health. So do start to take holy communion more often. Also
please drive safely and no speeding please. Whenever you tempt to speed, please
do remember I'm here waiting for you. Do not take God's protection for granted.
I can't imagine my life without you.
Kind of sad after the match. Feeling down not because Malaysia couldn't get our first gold medal..but sad for Dato. He desired a gold more than any of Malaysian & He tried so hard to get a gold medal for us since 12 years ago..it is a long & hard battle, but he never give up..his spirit inspired me. I salute you. Surely one day Malaysia will get tonnes of gold medals. How great if the first gold medal is from Dato...then the gold medal will meant so much to us. It took years to achieve it.
Both dlcw & lin dan were great players but too bad they are the oldest among all players. It is amazed they play so well at this age. This might be the last time to see both playing.. toss to their friendship & spirit!
When dad was out from HDU after having long discussion with doctor, he cried. First time I saw him sad until can't speak a word. Nikki just break down. Though I have prepare my heart, but when it become real, I just cant stop my tear in front of all people. I will never forget dad's expression. The doctor so honest, he told us all the things we need prepare, so that we will nothave false hope. He can't guarantee the surgery, even after surgery she might need to lie on bed for the rest of her life. Needed to depend on permanent stomach bag, go through chemo & death. An elder's wife told us life willbe change from now on, be strong.
At the moment, the only thing i can say this not going to be real. Doctor has no say in mom condition. Nikki, my brother & I refuse to believe the report but focus on Jesus promises. Still Nikki & I cried like baby when we reach home. To a moment, we can just give up everything, including my life in exchange of her health. All the guit feeling just came across my mind. Why i never take it seriously when she told us her pain for the few months.
I ask God will He give me a second chance to love her again, He said He is the God of second chance. If mom really need to depend on permanent stomach bag, I would rather God bring her home. If our love must paid with her suffering, then I will let go.
It was a sleepless night. Besides listen to pastor prince sermon, reading, pray and claim the healing promises, I cant do much. Thats the time I found peace & confident in God. When i open the fridge, wardrobe etc, i just quckly close it. Because i saw the things mom has prepare for me, i just cant imagine life without her. To stop this heart breaking thought is to just focus on what Jesus already paid on the cross. This method works great.
This was also my first time "muka tembok" ask all the people whom I know to pray for her. Somehow in the morning before we leave the house to hospital, God just grant us the confident that He is going to heal her. There is no permanant stomach bag. We will stick to our originally plan to Japan. This confident of hope encourage dad when Nikki told dad God speaks to her. God lets this thing happen is not scare us but because He want to heal her. Finally the hour of surgery has come. Surrender & pray in tongue, we found rest in God's embrace.
All the positive result which doctor said chances of this thing to happen is very low just come true. It was a successfully surgery. Based on nurse experience, this kind of surgery may take at least 5-6 hours. But thank God that He shorten the time to about 3 hours.Unspeakable joy. Tears with joy. Just cant stop saying thank you Jesus and praising Him like now. Sacrifices my sleep to note this experience. And still cant express how wonderful is my God.
Lord, what can I do to tell all the people about Your goodness ?
Thanks for being mom's God, dad's God, chow yee's God, nikki's God, David's God, my God and God of people I love.
From sleepless nights to a night that I just want to uphold all these to God and wait upon Him. My focus should be on Jesus rather than I should I continue the journey with Daniel. Dad, Your ways are higher. Fix my eye to the things I can't see now.
Besides surrender to God, I don't know what can I do with the issues and fears I have towards our relationship. It is just out of our control. Only You Lord able to make the changes. Give me strength Lord, that I'm able to love and also fast to forgive. Lord, unless the salvation take place, else I just cant make further commitment in this relationship. Remind me that You are with me whenever I encounter that situation again. Help me to overcome those fears. Perfect love cast out all fears. Lord, I want to experience more about You.
Journal down all the good and bad times is the best way for me to find God. During the journal, I found the involvement of God, just that I never realize about it
Well this habit stop since I start my own business. Time is very precious to me. Time means money. Each time when I feel like journal down some good or bad moments, there is always a small voice telling me to spend this time "wisely'. Spend the time to do research, design, study and journal can always do it 'later". And "later" never come to pass.
After starting a new relationship early this years, it eat most of my night times. I'm happy I manage to allocate time for this while doing well in business too. It never become a burden to me which I thought it will in the first place. Thank God this relationship happen at the right time. In the same time, something just strike me. If I can allocate time for Daniel, why can't I do it for God too? Does money and Daniel's love can compatible with God? Certainly Not! Jesus is more perfect, handsome, beautiful and he will never leave me even when I die. Tan Sze-Lyn..take heart!
These few days, Pastor Mark from New Creation Church came to EPCC. I didn't expect much especially last night service. Reason being is it was a hokkien service. I merely understand the sermon and most of the time I just guess based on a few words I know. Surprisingly after the service, I feel so refresh. My heart, mind and soul just withdraw the strength from God.
Tonight mandarin service, during the worship, I finally understand what does it means "He who forgiven much love much". I deeply feel this verse. I just can't stop my tears when I was told He loves me and He is faithfully forgive all my sins. I'm a sinful girl when I realize how Holy is He. In the same time I was called righteous because Jesus is righteous. The gift of righteous and grace speak how much God loves me.
Thank you Lord. Your love is amazing. No word can describe..
Dear Lord, I can trust you right? Everything is in your control and all things work together for our own good,right? You loves David more than I love him, with this I can confidently surrender this unto your mightly hand, right? I believe the answer is 'yes' but help my unbelieve. You know better than the doctor and i refuse to believe any bad report from all the doctor. LORD, I pray for restoration upon David's muscle & health. Healing take place and surely this will be another testimony to encourage those who are needed.
Dear Lord, thank you for what i has been went through in the past. It may seem end of the world during the valley season. However You never fails me for even once. You always reveal in the right timing and change the whole senario. What a faithful God!
From valley and soar under eagle wing..Lord, thank you for all these experience. Surely you were with me during those bad times. I might lost my faith to You during those season,but You never fail anx now i see why these things happen. It built my confidence in You, my character, the intimacy, revelation of You love and as an encouragement to those who encounter similar situation. Lord, this is so amazing!
Lord, grant me a good rest. Teach me to surrender all my cares in Your hand. In Jesus' name, I pray
Lord,sometime I just too tired for my self-cheating. I know you love me, but I don't really believe that you love me as much as you love others. I try to keep reminding myself that You love me. And you love me more than anyone. Lord, can I just yield to you..I don't see this happen in my life. I don't feel it. I know I shouldn't judge Your love based on feeling, It should based on word. Can i just be a spoiled child once a while? You have been too quite for these few years. I just can't continue live with word only. do something Lord. I believe but help my unbelief.
Physical and mentally tired. It has been quite a long time i never been in this situation before. I really need to release whatever which has weight me down for the past two weeks. It takes bit a bit. And slowly it overtaking me.
Help me Lord, let me not to draw strength from anyone but You. Lord, I really tired and I just don't feel like raise these issues with him. Maybe I just need to have a time out, right?
I never know all these until dad shared his testimony during recent chinese new year event. The struggles & hardship he had been through when we were small. During that time, being a husband and a dad for three kids was not easy. He tried all his way to make sure the family have enough.
Since young, I never heard dad tells us any financial problem with us. He will try to settle himself instead of bring it home. At once, a dad's friend share with us that dad cried in coffee shop due to unable to get bonus for our needs for chinese new year. He worked day and night until he don't even remember my age during a clinic visitation. Thing getting worst when he felt sick. During the one month hospitalization, he felt so useless as he unable to work. It was in the year of 1997.
At the deepest point of my family, dad accepted Christ. After a short period the whole family baptist. Things change since then. Dad no longer work day and night but still has more than enough for the family. God literally save Daniel, David, Nikki and my life for a few times. If it is not God, four of us might not in this world before we reach 18. When I recall back all these incidents, I can never able to explain how it happens. It just happened.
Dad shared many testimonies during the event, but all these are not even 1% of God's goodness which we have experienced for all these years. This is the the kind of God we worship. Lovely, meek and yet powerful.
After the testimony sharing event, once gain I feel so loved and grateful. God has covered his beloved family with His wonderful grace and love. If is not God, we are not who are we today.
Dear, thank you:)
Grace, glorious grace, grace, glorious grace
At the cross You called it finished
Grace, wonderful grace, grace, wonderful grace
At the cross all of my sin is
Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, oh
Covered, covered, covered by Your grace
Grace, beautiful grace, grace, beautiful grace
At the cross, love everlasting
Grace, powerful grace, grace, powerful grace
At the cross all of my past is
No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been
No matter how I fall, You pick me up again
You have removed my shame, You take as I am
You call me justified, now I am covered by Your grace
I always ask God how do i know which are the door you've open? How do i know which is from you? I want to follow you but i cant hear and see you. And i always have this fear that what if i misunderstanding his instruction. Maybe he prepare path "A" and i thought is path "B" or "C"..Last night he spoke to me via a song. A song which i love to sing when i was 14. That's always been the best year i have the closest relationship with God. Everyday i just can't stop reading his word,worship him and pray to him. Back to the song, part of lyric is about "my righteousness in Jesus"..at that point of life, i don't understand..but i just keep singing..and last night God just prompt to me even that time i don't understand how important to see myself righteousness in Christ, He lead my tongue to confess this..
Following to the habit of journal down my emotion when i encounter some problem or something about to praise God..My initial intention is to release my inner feeling which i don't and afraid to share with anyone..through all these few years i found that my problem seem small after i journal down. Because somehow of rather my journal will always end with God's word. A confident in Him to that problem. Few days ago as i read the book of "unmerited favor", the writer mention the important of being conscious of God present in every single of our life. And this will lead to the manifestation of God presence in every circumstance and breakthrough that we need. I keep asking how to do it. I try to be more conscious about his present but wondering how the manifestation take place. As i continue the following chapter of "unmerited favor", the writer mention to be conscious of God presence can be so easy by just reading his word. As we read, our mind will start to focus on Jesus and Jesus only.
Again God reconfirm with me by telling me that even i don't understand the importance of being conscious in God presence years ago,he have lead me to journal down when i need Him. While journal down problem, my focus will ended with God love and his finish work. He said..nichole..That's the time His manifestation take place.
God just made me understand that though sometime i may not know which are the doors that he has open, should i turn left or right as i come to the cross road, he will lead me. Just trust that once he open, I will never able to miss it. So chill and relax. What I need to do is hold His hand.
During the encounter weekend, Pastor Rachel just pray over me and told me that soon I will come to a cross road which i never expect it happen so fast. For the past few years i make the decision based on my experience,wisdom and fears. Frankly speaking i still not really sure what this cross road about. Is it about my business path, new direction in life or maybe relationship..but one thing i feel so excited and look forward is..the lord said this will be my first ever breakthrough cross road in life. Stop looking left and right or past experience..but just hold his hand..he will walk me through together..thank you lord.
Daddy, as i want to encounter you but doubting will you ever want to speak to me,reveal yourself...your just told me that as how much i want to draw near to you, you are 10 times more than willing to encounter me,draw me closer to you.
You have forgiven me long before I fail. Truly You are the God that unshakable !
It has been years I never involved in any mission trip since after my graduation. Partly because I don't think my presence really made any difference. And I don't feel right with my motive to mission trip. Was it because I want to see the world? How does those people live under such condition? How they see God and are they really believe God even under any circumstances? Simple live lead to simple believe? They seem so holy and faithful. What if something really bad happen, will they still trust God? It is always easy to speak about God faithfulness and goodness, but when thing really happen, we failed. I'm a good example.
I guess these are the very reason I try to keep a distance from all I know. I failed to be a good cell group leader. Really took years for me to confess this failure. What had I done is like touch n go. No follow up after my graduation even when some of them look for me. I just try to keep a distance due to some reason. At that point, I need a new live.
I know I should stop this self condemnation. I tried and I thought I have over come it. However it seem like after years I still not able to let go. There is always a voice to remind me. Will God still trust me that I can take good care of his people?
If you have forgive me, can I have a clear & loud answer from you? I want to experience Your presence. Not just based on word, but Your personal visitation. It has been years I have lost this connection with you. Whenever someone share about how they able to sense your presence during praise & worship and you speak to them, my heart was heavy. There is always a question rise up..Have you forgotten me?
I guess this is something I learned from this spontaneous mission trip with the US team. Something I really need to deal with it and not just hide underneath.
After years of praying, finally grandma accepted Christ. She was unconscious due to extreme high sugar level since last Thursday and was sent to hospital on Friday. On Sunday she sugar level drop amazingly and accepted Christ in a conscious condition. A person who never know about prayer and Gospel accepted Christ.
I still remember the first time when dad pray for her in early February. It was the most funniest prayer as she thought we were having conversation with her. The whole prayer progress she keep talking with us.
An old fashion lady accepted Christ by 2 simple questions. "Would you like us to pray for healing ?" and "Jesus loves you, would you like to accept Him as your saviour? ". She even make the sinner prayer. So cute. Surely this is God's work. The next day she lost her ability to talk and follow by stroke. Can't even swallow and drink. On the next few days she was merely survive with tube. Her hand swollen and pain until come to the stage nurse tie her hand on bed as she keep pulling the tube. It was a heartache to see her live with no dignity.
Again God answer my prayer. Last evening Jesus had brought her home. I should feel happy as God answer my prayer. But then it still a heartbroken fact when it really take place.
I will always miss her voice and hug. Miss the moment she hold my hand whenever I see her. Telling me how she much she love me. Mum used to tell me, I'm grandma most beloved granddaughter. However this most beloved granddaughter don't really do much for her. Don't even treat her a meal.
Thanks Lord, I feel loved at this moment. Thanks for the salvation and taking of her on behalf of me.
MEEKNESS AND MAJESTY
IN HUMBLENESS YOU CAME DOWN AND RESCUED ME
YOU GAVE IT ALL UPON THE CROSS
AS AN OFFERING
YOU TRADED YOUR LIFE FOR ME
IN RIGHTEOUSNESS YOU POURED OUT YOUR LOVE SO FREE
AND NOW MY SOUL WILL WORSHIP YOU
AS AN OFFERING
WE COME INTO YOUR PRESENCE NOW IN AWE
CASTING ALL OUR CROWNS AT YOUR FEET
HOW WONDERFUL THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE DONE
FOREVER YOU WILL REIGN GLORIOUS
BE LIFTED UP FROM GLORY TO GLORY TO GLORY
WE OFFER UP THE PRAISES THAT YOU DESERVE
YOU’RE CHANGING US FROM GLORY TO GLORY TO GLORY
OUR LIVES WILL SHINE BEFORE YOU AND SHOUT YOUR WORTH
YOU’RE GLORIOUS
It is a privileged to be chosen and loved by You.
Thank You for changing me from glory to glory to glory.
Surely I will never like the process of molding, sometime I will just yield and grumbling as it came with Your silent and bad times.
Still my soul give thank for whatever it has been happened. Without them, I would never be who I am.
Grant me supernatural wisdom and understanding, to be able experience Your love neither in good nor bad times.
Daddy, be lifted up from glory to glory to glory. You deserve all my praise and worship.
